We had the misfortune to have been stuck in one of the worst hotel resorts ever for three weeks. If you are thinking of coming here you will be sorely disappointed, dare I say gutted and left with a feeling you have been violated and not in a nice way. The hotel is situated in a lovely bay with several other all- inclusive’s around it including, the Lago Taurito’s 5 star sister hotel (this is open to debate), we only choose this hotel as our friends were on a limited budget, if you can afford it don’t darken the doors of this place, run and don’t look back. The place is one step away from a trailer park; it says four stars, more like four skull and cross bones. Don’t be sucked in by the all-Inclusive blurb you read it is really not worth the money, we have spent more on food and drink outside the hotel then the cost of the entire holiday. The food is the worst, the meat looks like it’s been ripped from the jaws of a rabid dog, there is more nutritional value in the dust you find in the not so clean rooms, the chefs have all be trained to cook on the same budget as HM Prison Service, and the food looks like it should only be served to prisoners (well I felt like a prisoner staying here). I think the chef has an addiction to food colouring and gelatine as everything had the consistency of jelly, I have seen fresher food and hotter food in Somalia, everything was cold, not even lukewarm just cold. The bars server watered down drinks and wine will strip paint of the walls. No point in complaining as the hotel management really don’t give a dam or really care, they have a constant flow of duped holiday’s markers willing to part with their hard earned cash to stay in this pit and there are those who chose to drink from 10am in the morning until the free bars close, this is when the fun begins, have 100’s of drunken sun brunt yobs shouting at 11 PM, the thing is the walls are made of paper mache so you can not only here your neighbours you can hear the whole floor above and below taking at the top of their voices, who all seem to empting their bladders at once. The pool water is so dirty it’s a 50/50 mix of kids pee and chlorine, who run a muck whilst their parents get drunk at the bar!!! We didn’t spend much time by the pool as we went scuba diving so we only had to endure the pool experience once, but I did try a hamburger from the pool bar which had the same consistency as Pedigree Chum. The kids are looked after by the animation team, some of them are creepy and look like they should be on some kind of register and they produce the evening’s very shoddy entertainment which would drive any sane person to drink the hooch come ether served behind the bar as calling it alcohol, is an insult. Now the rooms, well firstly you practically have to rent the contents of the room when you check in from the towels to the safe to the remote for the TV, they are cleaned 5 times a week, well hosed down with bleach, the bed may as well been a straw mattress, the housekeepers are nice and will give you lots of extra pillows (well pillow type substitute) a word of warning do not rent a beach towel, it will grate your sun blushed skin off !!! You do get to use the spa at the Paradise Valle the “5” star sister hotel of this one, it’s called the Karbi spa or as we like to call it the Krappy Spa, we booked treatments and when we arrived we were told if we wanted to use the spa facilities we would have to pay extra!!!, then we were abused by a surly German receptionist when I asked from my money back, who in the end just threw it at me. Go to the Gloria Palace Spa in Amadores, we paid 250 Euro’s for 4 treatments each and the whole day at the spa it was amazing and dam good value. The highs are really lovely staff on reception (Yasmine, who hails from Wales, goes out of her way to try and keep the disappointed guests happy) and the waitresses who frankly how they work in this environment is beyond comprehension, they deserve a medal. So if you have a spare £2,000, don’t spend it here!!! You have been warned.
